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Page Last

Wed, Mar 22, 2000
11:33:06 AM EST

Contents and Source
Material Copyright © 2000,
L.O.F. Communications
All Rights Reserved

An OTR Parable By F. Gwindell

An Old Time Radio Parable with apologies to Correll And Gosden

"The Perfect Song" up and under...

BILL HAY: Never one to let slip a valuable business opportunity, the Kingfish has set himself up in a new profession -- that of Old Time Radio dealer. By energetic advertising, he has carved out for himself an impressive share of the market, and is always looking for further opportunities to expand his enterprises. As our scene opens, we find Amos and Andy at the taxicab office, listening to their favorite Old Time Radio cassettes. Here they are...

ANDY: You know, Amos, I sho' like listenin' to dat Lum an' Abner. Dem fellers sho' do talk funny, you know dat?

AMOS: Yeah, dey sho' do, dat's fo' sure. Dat Lum kinda remind me of you sometimes, Andy, dat's what he do.

ANDY: What you mean, Amos? Dat Lum ain't nothin' like me. I is a suc-cessful businessman, dat's what I is. Dat Lum, he cain't do nothin' right, always lettin' dat Squire Skimp give him de business. Dat's one feller ain't got no kind of brains a'tall, dat's what I think. Wait a minute, here come de Kingfish.

KINGFISH: Well, hello dere brother Andy. Hello brother Amos.

ANDY: Hiya Kingfish. We was just listenin' to de old-time radio cas-settes you done sold to us.

AMOS: Yeah, you know, Kingfish, dat's a good thing you done, makin' it so we could have dese.

ANDY: Lots better den listn'ing to Amos moonin' over dat Ruby Taylor all de time.

AMOS: You gonna be seein' de moon and lots o' little stars floatin' over yo' haid, you keep talkin' 'bout Ruby Taylor like dat, dat's what's gon' happen to you.

ANDY: Don't mind dis one, Kingfish. He jus' got wimmins on de brain, dat's all.

AMOS: Least I got a brain. You just like dat Lum feller, dat's what you is. Dey oughta put you on de radio or sumpin'.

KINGFISH: Yes, well, dat's kinda why I come over here dis afternoon. I needs to talk to you both about sumpin'. Y'see, I was over here to de Bite And Chew Lunchroom earlier today talkin' to Brother Crawford, and he done told me dat you both was in dere earlier in de mo'nin', and dat you was talkin' 'bout dis Lum an' Abner program I done sold to you.

AMOS: Dat's right, we was talkin' while we was eatin' breakfast, 'bout who was dat Diogenes Smith feller dat dey had on dat show. Lookin' fo' an honest man, dat's what he's doin'.

ANDY: Dat's a hard thing to find dese days, you know dat, Kingfish? Dey's a lot o' people out dere dat you jus' caint trust.

KINGFISH: Uhhh, well, dat's true, I guess. But what I has come here to talk to you gentlemuns about is dis business o' you talkin' 'bout dese radio shows. Brother Crawford tol' me dat you made him a copy o' dat tape I done sold to you. An' he done give a copy to Madame Queen, an' she done made a copy fo' Fred Gwindell, an' he done passed it along down de line to Flookie Harris, an' he done give one to Lightnin'. An' now none o' dese peoples is wantin' to buy no more of de tapes from me, you see? An' even more, Lightnin' an' some o' dese other peoples is tellin' me dat dey is makin' copies o' different shows an' givin' 'em to you! Now, I is done spent a lot o'money to buy up de rights to put out dese shows fo' de people to here, an' you know, it's only fair dat I gets some kind o' re-turn on my in-ves'ment.

AMOS: Dat's true, I guess, Kingfish. Ev'ybody en-titled to make a profit.

KINGFISH: I glad you see it dat way, brother Amos. Dat gonna make it a lot easier to say whut I goin' to say now. You see, when you makes copies of de radio shows, you is actual infringm'ntin' on my rights as de copyright licenseer.

ANDY: Licensewhatter?

KINGFISH: I say, I is de licenseer. De copyright licenseer.

AMOS: What do dat mean, dat "liceseer."

KINGFISH: I gon' 'splain dat to you. You see, on all de radio shows, dey got dis thing called de copyright. Dat means whoever got de copyright is got de right to copy it. An' when I makes de copies, you gives me de money. And I is de only one gets to do dat, see. De one and only. An' dat's what's right.

AMOS: So dat's what makes it de "copy-right", is dat what you sayin', Kingfish?

KINGFISH: Dat's right, brother Amos.

ANDY: So you goin' show us dis copyright? I never see nothin' like dat befo' -- I sho' would like to see one.

KINGFISH: Welllll, no, now, brother Andy, uhh, dat ain't...dat ain't, you see...

AMOS: Yeah, I sees it.

KINGFISH: Be quiet, dere, now, brother Amos. I is thinkin' 'bout some re-po'tant matters here.

ANDY: Yeah, cain't you see de Kingfish is done got a lot on his mind? You gon' get him all undistractilated o' sumpin'.

KINGFISH: Uh, yeah, I thinkin' hard 'bout dis one, an' I is done got de answer all foambulatin' in my head here. You see, now, I done said dere dat I was de copyright licenseer. Now whut dat means is dat I is de one dat gets to see de license!

AMOS: I got a license right here, to drive de taxicab.

KINGFISH: Dis is a different kind o' license den dat, brother Amos. Dis is a license dat costs lots o' money an' dat only us big business mens and lawyers an' ex-ecutives is allowed to see. Dat's why we is de licenseers. An' you is -- you is --uh-- you is de lice or sumpin'. I forgets de legal terminorology.

AMOS. You forgets, huh. You forgets a lot o' things, dere, Kingfish.

KINGFISH: I is goin' to over look dat last remark, brother Amos, because I is not in'erested in causin' no unhappy feelin's o' nuthin'. Never fo'get dat we is all brothers in dat great fraternity de Mystic Knights O' de Sea, an' I is yo' honest brother an' true friend all de time. Ain't I de one dat put all dem Old Time Radio shows out fo' you in dem nice pretty packages, with de pictures on de front? Ain't I de one dat on'y charges you thutty o' fo'ty o' fifty o' sixty...

AMOS: When it get to seventy, I sellin'.

ANDY: Dat's enuff, Amos. Don' mind him, Kingfish. He ain' got no sense.

AMOS: You listen to de Kingfish, you ain't gonna have no cents neither. Or dollars.

KINGFISH: I is also gonna overlook dat last remark, brother Amos, cause I is a gen-u-ine humanitilarian. But I is gotta follow de rules, and if I lets you see de license, an' lets you be a licenseer too, den ev'ybody want to be one, and where's dat gonna leave me? I be just like you den, just anudder one o' de lice. An' you knows, an' I knows, dat a re-po'tant businessman like me just cain't be like dat.

ANDY: Dat's true, Kingfish. Ain't nobody like you, dat's fo' sure.

AMOS: Ain't dat de trufe..

KINGFISH: Now because we is all brothers, I ain't gonna slap you with one o' dem big liturgiticalous enstranglulations and writs o' habeous corpuscle o' nothin'. I is too full o' love fo' you, and fo' de wonderful Old Time Radio shows dat we all love, dat I gonna make you dis propolition. You is gotta pay me fo' ev'y copy o' de tape dat you made, and promise never to make no mo' tapes fo' nobody any mo. I is de licenseer, remember, an' dat means I sees everything dat goes on. You start makin' dem copies again, an' I gonna see dat. Den you be in big trouble. I protectin' you now, you see, so you listen an' do like I tell you, an' you don't never get in no trouble a-tall. An' you kin go right on an' buy all de radio shows you want -- long as you buy dem from me. O'course, de prices might be goin' up here sometime soon, but dat's one o' de costs o' doin' business. Remember, we got dem pretty pictures on de front, an' dem kind o' things cost money. But you is gettin' de benficials, remember dat.

AMOS: We is gettin' sumpin', dat's fo' sure. We is gettin' sumpin...mmm mmmmm!

Published with permission of the author. This fair-use satire is (c) 1999, Anonymous, and is based on the serial-era radio program, known to be within the public domain. So if you wanna sue, knock yourself out...we're covered.